This is My Story . . .

I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, 

and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. 

O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. 

O Lord, thou has brought up my soul from the grave: 

thou has kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 

Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, 

and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. 

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favor is life: 

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. 

And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. 

Lord, by thy favor thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: 

thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. 

I cried to thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication. 

What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? 

Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? 

Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord be thou my helper. 

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: 

thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; 

To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. 

O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

Psalm 30

Daybook 20 December

Looking out my window ~  The wind is blowing leaves through the air like snow, and there's a small stampede of orange and yellow running down the middle of the street, with strays wandering up my driveway

I am thinking ~ of this time two years ago when joyous things were happening around me (my dear brown-eyed boy was marrying his love) but there was sadness and some fears happening within me (my husband would be served with divorce papers when we returned from this trip)  Knowing all that occurred in the following weeks, I treasure the peace of that day even more.

I am thankful ~ that God is SOVEREIGN.  He has absolute control over all.  He allows unimaginable things to happen, yet there is no limit to his grace and mercy.   An unsolvable conundrum that has preserved my life

One of my favorite things ~ is my Wednesday date with my mom.  She literally dedicated a year of her life to me and now that the day-to-day struggles are over, we have a weekly date to just spend time together

I am creating ~ a scarf for my beautiful daughter-in-love and getting it in the mail today

I am watching ~ Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with sweet son #3

I am hoping ~ to get the Christmas tree up today.  Don't like the work of putting it up but so enjoy looking at it and the glittering lights that brighten the room and my spirit

I am learning ~ how to balance life.  Perspective is probably the best word.  It is so easy to become overwhelmed with all the heartbreaking memories, both things that were in your control and things that absolutely weren't.  But recognizing the hundreds of small joys: family, friends, a smile, the beauty of God's creation and creatures, remembering simple things that make it all worth the struggle.  Each day brings new challenges and new rewards, too

Closing Notes:   If I knew then what I know now.  What a thought.  Yes, so much I would have done differently.  But, in doing things differently, would I have necessarily ended up in a better place?  Or in doing it differently, would I simply have continued the path that I had been on for so many, many years and remained captive in a situation that someone else was controlling?  If, if, if. 
I know for certain that in going through the deepest valley of my life, I saw the Lord from a different perspective; realized the depths of his power and his infinite grace.  And I know for certain that I am in a better place today because of all that I went through, both for me and my children.  We survived.  Now we get to live

Finally, My Choice

Yesterday morning, driving on an early errand, I was flipping through different radio stations, trying to find one without completely annoying Christmas music.   - I have nothing against Christmas music, just the trite and overplayed kind the radio stations find appealing. - 

I found Family Radio, a conservative station with godly content that we had listened to for many years many years ago. 

As I listened and enjoyed the beautiful hymn that was playing, a series of random thoughts ran through my head, one after another after another.

The first one being - Family Radio is STILL there and being faithful.

If you know anything about Family Radio, you will understand; if you don't, then suffice it to say their ministry has suffered some tremendous 'downs' the past years.  For so many years, through criticisms, mockery, and trials of faith, they are there every day providing the same God-honoring programming they have been since 1959.   Wow.

For some reason the thought of someone doing the same thing day after day, year after year, was astounding to me.

The only thing in my life which has been a constant is that it is constantly changing.  I've had the normal day to day responsibilities of wife and mother, but the upheavals are things that I had no say in.  Moving almost 200 miles away from home and everything I knew was not my choice.  Spouse announcing that he was retiring early while three children were still in school - homeschooling - and not caring what my thoughts might be.  Not my choice.  Moving back home again, after living away for 15 years and making deep, deep heart connections with our (children and I)  new church and homeschool friends.  Again, an announcement; my opinions were not needed.  Again, not my choice.  The biggest of all was the catastrophic end of our marriage which left me hospitalized for nearly a year and from which I am still recovering, and will never fully recover.  Absolutely not my choice.

My next thought was - Now, I have an open door in front of me.  My children are graduated and grown and moving on with life.  My home is my own.  My health is finally at a place where I can make plans and get out and do things - things that I choose to do. 

This is a totally new place for me.  I don't have to take anyone else into consideration.  I don't have to consult with someone or get someones approval.  If I want to do something for the next, Lord willing, 30 or 40 years, I can.  If I want to do nothing for the next, Lord willing, 30 or 40 years, I can.  The possibilities are endless and give me hope and a calming sense of peace.

while writing this, I've been listening to A Firm Foundation

by the Steve Pettit Evangelistic Team.

Just beautiful ~